A Warring Soul

You know those old movies, the ones where there are two those two guys with WAAYYY too much macho, and for some reason they've gotta fight a duel; and one of them has a girl who's loyal as can be, and she's got to wait on the sidelines for it all to be over and hope her man comes out alive? Yeah, that one. That's what it's like when you have a war within your soul. 

I am the one on the sidelines; hoping that "my man" comes through. The're fighting for the right to my soul. Both are princes. One, the Prince of Men; the other, the Prince of Peace. They will both fight to the death, and I am captive on the sidelines of my own soul, waiting for my fate to be decided. 

It's true. If you are a child of God, then you don't have to truly worry about the power of the devil anymore. You are bought and paid for. A permanent slave to a wonderful, perfect master. But that doesn't mean he gives up. Oh no - the devil will wait for your guard to be down, and then choose that moment to attack. (Another illustration: Then you are like a fort (under attack). The fort cannot defend itself. It must rely on those inside to engage in the battle on its behalf.) At the moment of weakness, through the end of the fight, you don't feel that assurance of security. You feel the destiny of your soul hanging in the balance; as if, at any moment, you could be lost.

I don't care; I just want the fighting to stop! And go with the one I choose. Every now and again I give a small gasp, a shudder, when the score seems close. My heart throbs with longing, anguish, hope, fear. I ask myself, "How can I go on like this? When will it be at an end?" I have been lost to the Prince of Men once before; enslaved to him and made to work his will. As the battle raged on, I was eventually won back, and lived better for it. But how can I go back!? How could I be lost again!? I support my good and loving master. I hope with a hope beyond all hopes, that the Prince of Men will not strengthen (even if only for a time), and the Prince of Peace will not see it "strategically fit" to send me back. 

There is a comfort, however. A joy in the waiting. His troops are waiting on the sidelines with me. I am not alone. He has selected a few specifically to come along side me and give me the encouraging strength I need to go on, while I wait for Him. 
I do struggle though, because all the last times I have believed that He had called someone to my side before, I have misjudged, been mistaken. Every time I have trusted, I have been mislead. Every time I have been pledged, I have been abandoned. Can I dare to believe, to trust, to count on - again???