Past; Pain

So, the question is posed: "How do you let go of of a hurtful past?"

Reader,
I do not know you; or perhaps, I do. The difference is none. You may, or may not struggle with a past that haunts you. Haunt is a perfect word to describe that feeling, huh? (Definition: to recur persistently to the consciousness of; to remain with (persistently) disturb or distress; to cause to anxiety; trouble; worry.) Your past was your present; and in that present you were hurt, in some way. Maybe more than once. Maybe not much at all. The difference, again, is none. To you, at the time, it hurt you, specifically, and in just the right way that it would hurt you most of all... That's a hard reality. What do you do with that??? Do you build up walls and let nobody in, to make sure it doesn't happen again? Do you become reckless with yourself, and start causing other people pain to make up for your loss? Do you move on, pretending it never happened? What do you do? What do you do when your world is ripped out from under you to make sure that it never it never happens to you again? - To make sure you do not repeat your past in the future, and let it again become your present? How do you deal? What happens to you and everyone around you in the meantime? There is a simple answer, but not an easy one. I know that's difficult. I know the pain. I have lived it. I still live it; every day. It's a painful thing being scared to trust. Even if there's someone you can trust, there's no way you'll let yourself risk it again, because you can't tell the difference anymore. You've been lied to. Tricked. Hurt. Used. Damaged. And that never goes away.

How do you explain this kind of existence to someone who hasn't felt it themselves - who thinks there must be a way out for you? It shouldn't be so hard...

...It's sort of like being an alcoholic. Sure, you can be treated, and the possibility of a full recovery is even strong, but it will n e v e r leave you. Once you have a problem, you have it for the rest of your life. "One once, one always." The sad reality revealed...

Pain is much the same way. Even physical pain. If you break a bone, have a bad sprain, have some sports injury, a terminal medical condition; you will be cautious for the rest your life, because of the risk of re-injuring yourself. And most likely, you will also feel a certain amount of pain remaining from the original injury, reminding you to be careful.

Pain is much the same. It will stay with you always. Make you careful and guarded. And you will fight it, for the rest of your life if necessary...

I don't always know what do with my pain, or the remnants of it. I don't always know how to deal. I don't how to explain it. I don't always know how this is supposed to fit into the plan God has for my life, and still work. I may never know the answer to that. But I do know the One who holds the answers! And He's all mine. Forever. For as long as the pain lasts. For as long as it doesn't. For Eternity.... And His name is Jesus Christ, the Lord; God.

A Warring Soul

You know those old movies, the ones where there are two those two guys with WAAYYY too much macho, and for some reason they've gotta fight a duel; and one of them has a girl who's loyal as can be, and she's got to wait on the sidelines for it all to be over and hope her man comes out alive? Yeah, that one. That's what it's like when you have a war within your soul. 

I am the one on the sidelines; hoping that "my man" comes through. The're fighting for the right to my soul. Both are princes. One, the Prince of Men; the other, the Prince of Peace. They will both fight to the death, and I am captive on the sidelines of my own soul, waiting for my fate to be decided. 

It's true. If you are a child of God, then you don't have to truly worry about the power of the devil anymore. You are bought and paid for. A permanent slave to a wonderful, perfect master. But that doesn't mean he gives up. Oh no - the devil will wait for your guard to be down, and then choose that moment to attack. (Another illustration: Then you are like a fort (under attack). The fort cannot defend itself. It must rely on those inside to engage in the battle on its behalf.) At the moment of weakness, through the end of the fight, you don't feel that assurance of security. You feel the destiny of your soul hanging in the balance; as if, at any moment, you could be lost.

I don't care; I just want the fighting to stop! And go with the one I choose. Every now and again I give a small gasp, a shudder, when the score seems close. My heart throbs with longing, anguish, hope, fear. I ask myself, "How can I go on like this? When will it be at an end?" I have been lost to the Prince of Men once before; enslaved to him and made to work his will. As the battle raged on, I was eventually won back, and lived better for it. But how can I go back!? How could I be lost again!? I support my good and loving master. I hope with a hope beyond all hopes, that the Prince of Men will not strengthen (even if only for a time), and the Prince of Peace will not see it "strategically fit" to send me back. 

There is a comfort, however. A joy in the waiting. His troops are waiting on the sidelines with me. I am not alone. He has selected a few specifically to come along side me and give me the encouraging strength I need to go on, while I wait for Him. 
I do struggle though, because all the last times I have believed that He had called someone to my side before, I have misjudged, been mistaken. Every time I have trusted, I have been mislead. Every time I have been pledged, I have been abandoned. Can I dare to believe, to trust, to count on - again???

The Problem With Being Honorable

The problem with being honorable and respectable is that you're trustworthy, and when you're trustworthy, people tell you things. Often it is their deepest, darkest parts, the secrets they hold closest to themselves, that they don't tell anyone else, because no one else is trustworthy. And the problem with that, is that you now hold everyone's secrets. You take a little piece of everyone's burdens and end up multiplying your own. But then, you cannot share those burdens with anyone else to lighten the load, or else you lose your honor and respectability, and no one will trust you. (All or None) And then there are the "family secrets", when all of them carry weight that could not be more personal than the secrets you hold yourself; and your burden increases again. So then, I find myself, whenever feeling joy, with tears soon following; because I am reminded so quickly of the fact that it cannot last (until eternity).

You have one of those rare moments that are wonderful. Like a late night, on your own, with a couple people you like to be around, whom you could even call friends, and you're talking; just talking. And you're at peace. You're having fun. And then it is time to go home, and instantly, like the crash of a wave against the rocks, you are reminded of the burdens you carry, because the night is over, and you feel a tremendous loss over the simple fact of leaving your friends. And as you drive away, yet home - toward the secrets and the burdens, the tears begin to fall....

I think I might now understand something a little more now. I think I may have a better idea, g'zillionth fraction of the something Jesus went through. When the Christ hung there on the cross, to pay the price, He took on "the weight of the world"; the sin, the secrets, the burdens. And even knowing the end, His tears also began to fall...

Falling From Darkness

Falling From Darkness

By: Anne Powers 

Adapted by: Sarah Elizabeth

Falling from darkness 

To a place I don't understand or know 

Everything's moving with no place to go
I feel so alone and scared

As I fall, I wonder, "Is anyone there?"

As the days and nights pass by

I count the nights as I lay and cry

Falling from faith, falling from love

Please, is there anyone up above? 
Never did I know I could feel like this,

When the answers lie with the slit of the wrist

My mind is racing to find another solution

Before it's too late, and I'm just an illusion.

No one knows how I really feel

All I want is for God to hold me and help me heal

As I fall, I feel the rain

I know that He is the key to ease my pain.

That Moment When...

That moment when 

The tears stream down your face 

Like a thousand rivers

When you think of "I" and "They"

That moment when 

The world rotates in the wrong direction

And gravity is reversed

When you have no control

That moment when 

Your hands fly toward Heaven 

And you sink to your knees

When you can't find peace

That moment when 

You feel so small it hurts

And pain seems your only friend 

When you're broken and empty

That moment when 

Time itself is frozen

In its moment of fury

When it's ruptures at the seams

That moment when

You know you don't belong

You're alone - You can't go on

When you know you can't keep doing this on your own 

That moment when 

You don't have to

Realize you never were 

And haven't been all along