You know my experiences, or some of them. I know what it is like to have those flashbacks, to have those feelings of fear, and betrayal, and longing for everything to be over, at any cost. I know you know Jesus and He is in your heart, so I know you will understand what I mean. When I wanted to take my life I knew that it would be a small price for the life I would be gaining. I mean, can you imagine? Giving up all the pain, the memories, the hurt, and anger, the loneliness, and the terrible torture of living every day the way I was and always had, for an eternity of perfect life with love and security. A mere moment of pain, for bliss forever. But for so long I didn't truly understand what the cost was. I considered the mortal costs of my decision, the things I and others would experience here in this life, but I didn't consider the eternal costs.
You see, when I sat down to end my life, ready, I saw an image in my mind, stronger than any flashback. It was the most terrible thing I had ever seen. I woke up in heaven and I saw Jesus for the first time. I don't remember some things, like a face, but I remember what happened, and how I felt. I wanted to run up and embrace Him, be safe and secure in His arms as I had longed to be for so long, even though I trembled in His presence. I went to Him, and looked up into His face. I wish I could remember! I wish I could remember what that face looked like. All I know is that it was beautiful. And would have been the most glorious thing I had ever seen if not for this: I do remember what that face said, what it meant when I saw it; it was a combination of deep love and compassion, and the most disappointment I can ever remember seeing.
Do you understand? My God, my Lord, my love, who I'd done everything for, and hoped and longed more than anything for, who forgave all my wretched sins daily, and pardoned my deepest woe, He was disappointed in me. And even if the look He gave me had only lasted for a fraction of a second so small it cannot be measured, it felt like an eternity, and I knew that it would last with me for eternity. I would never forget it, and I suppose I never will now. How could I bear to live eternally in Paradise knowing that what I did to get there cost me the most perfect part, the part I hoped for more than anything else: God saying "Well done, my good and faithful servant." and seeing His face full of joy for welcoming me finally home? How could I bear to live eternity always remembering that face; having joy and peace and perfection, but having that face always there in the back of my mind? Knowing, my actions were never what He would have chosen for me.
I'm not claiming to have had any vision or supernatural experience, but I know those thoughts were not my own. I was ready, and I was going to take my life beyond a shadow of a doubt. God put those thoughts in my head to show me the reality of the choice I was making.
But I'm sure you already know that's not the path God would choose for you, which is why you've taken steps to prevent that from happening and protect yourself. But all the cages, covers and locks, all the company, and friends, and love from earthly creations will never be enough to turn your mind on itself and become someone who would never pick up a weapon, situation, or pill with the intent of personal harm again. That's something that has to happen because you chose to change your mind, because you encountered the Truth of God that directly applied to you the way it couldn't to anyone else. It may come from a person. It may come from a Bible verse. It may even come from a computer screen. It could come or start to come from anywhere, depending on who you are. You just have to be listening and be ready to do the hardest thing of all, the first step to a better life: Put the weapon down. For good.
Perhaps you even know all that though. So let me encourage you this way. There are people that love and care about you, and no person or persons who have hurt or damaged you in the past, or may do so in the future will ever change that. These people would break inside if you made that choice. You have friends and family who would do anything for you if you called on them. Don't ever forget that. In the moments when you think you have nothing that makes living through pain worth it, think of those people, think of how they love you and live for them. So maybe sometimes you can't remember them, maybe sometimes the pain is too strong to think of a single name, or maybe I'm way off the bat and there really isn't anyone on this earth who you think cares about you. So what? I can tell you someone that I can guarantee loves you more than anything, and I can prove it because He told me, and He told you too. God said in His word that He knew you before you were even thought of by anyone on earth. He said he thought of you before time ever came to be. He wove you into the beautiful tapestry that is your life and did it at exactly the right time, and He did that for every person that has both loved and hated you too. He placed you into the lives of others and others into your life exactly when He meant to, and exactly when He knew would be best for you. He didn’t give you the life that would be easiest for you, He gave you the life He knew you needed. Even if you don’t see how that could possibly be, it’s true. He put you in the life that would shape you into the person that He wanted you to become, with the opportunity to reach your fullest potential, and so that your life could affect the lives of others for the same purpose. You may know that you are no accident, but you need to know that your life isn't an accident either. It may not be easy, but it is perfect for you. You're worried about what you think may happen to you if you don't take your life, but if you're truly trusting God and truly believe that His plans are perfect then you'll know that your life was meant to be as it is, and can respond to the challenges you're faced with confidently in the strength of Jesus Christ, without fear of the future.
I know this is really long, but it's what was laid on my heart to tell you. I'm praying for you, and I know that God is going to take care of you.
Keep Trusting In and Leaning On Him,
Liz
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